The Best of Puck the Media: Ripping off Will Leitch Gets You Peers

(Ed. Note: Welcome to Part 1 of Puck the Media’s look back at the most not horrible stuff from our first 10 months of existence.  First, we bring you this comedic article from June, in which we do a hockey take-off of Will Leitch’s “God Save the Fan”.  People really responded to it, including Mr. Leitch, who sent us a very nice e-mail our way.)

We’re really lazy when it comes to books.  We still have Dave King’s “King of Russia” waiting to be read.  We haven’t gotten through all of “Searching For Bobby Orr”, though we really want too.  However, we did manage to finally pick up a copy of Will Leitch’s “God Save the Fan”.  It’s a great book, if only Will realized that my generation simply does not give a shit about baseball.  At all.  But there was one section we particularly loved: The glossaries.

Particularly, we enjoyed the glossary for each teams’ fans.  But as we all know, Mr. Leitch isn’t a puck fan in the least, so the NHL’s 30 fanbases were disinvited from the party.  However, we’ve decided to end that now, by doing it ourselves.  Consider it a harmless exercise in comedy and a fun break from your Sunday afternoon.  There’s even a not so subtle reference to the book in there, so we’re double ripping the great Mr. Leitch off.  Enjoy it, after the jump of course.

 

Avalanche, Colorado.  Can’t name you one player on the current team other than Joe Sakic.  Secretly believes the Nordiques jerseys are much better, and probably even owns one.  Bought a pair of Crocs because Peter Forsberg is an investor.  Not surprisingly, dislikes calamari.  

Blackhawks, Chicago.  Has a Germany post-Hitleresque gap in the team’s history between 1996-2007.  Not afraid to express how happy they are that Old Man Wirtz is dead.  Still not used to seeing the United Center with ice on TV.  Totally bought a “#23 Jordan” Hawks jersey after they saw him at that game.

Blue Jackets, Columbus.  Main goal in life is to one day set off that canon.  Openly admits to being proud of hosting the 2007 NHL Draft successfully.  Would attend more games if team changed it’s name to Buckeyes.  Committed to carrying the flag, whatever that means.

Blues, St. Louis.  Still not sure how Gretzky got named captain for that half-year.  Can’t get over the fact that a popular broadcaster managed to not run the team into the ground, a la Matt Millen.  Clings to those 24 consecutive playoff appearances like a badge of honor.  Will not admit that those blue and red 90’s jerseys are some of the ugliest things to adorn an NHL sweater.  Always refers to Hall & Oates as “Hull & Oates”.

Bruins, Boston.  Recently remembered his/her city had a hockey team after spending a whole 12 months without winning a championship.  Played hockey as a kid, but likely hasn’t cared much about it till the recent resurgence.  Still thinks Joe Thornton is on the team, and wonders why he just hasn’t shown up in the playoffs.  Wants you to know that Milan Lucic is a beast.  Would probably prefer another Red Sox title, though.

Canadiens, Montreal.  Won’t admit that they booed the Hell out of Patrick Roy that night he gave up nine goals, even though they likely nearly committed suicide on the day he was traded.  Can’t believe Saku Koivu is still captain.  Owns Alexei Kovalev’s DVD, and wishes he would use some of the moves from it more than once every four years.  Refuses to acknowledge the Yankees passing them in championships, because they’re snobby, English-speaking Americans.

Canucks, Vancouver.  Is kind of embarrassed that the team is basically a different way of saying Canadiens.  Thinks Steve Moore had it coming.  Owns every one of the teams 27 different jerseys.  

Capitals, Washington.  Even they don’t believe Mike Gartner belongs in the Hall of Fame.  Reads Ted Leonsis’ blog every day.  In fact, is probably a blogger himself with credentials.  Getting annoyed at all the bandwagon fans from the last two years, and therefore defiantly rocks his white jersey to the playoff games.

Coyotes, Phoenix.  Owns a Gretzky jersey, and probably a Hull jersey too.  Mutes the TV and does a Curt Keilback impression.  Frankly, preferred America West Arena to the new digs in Glendale despite how bad it was to watch hockey there.  Showed up to the recent court hearings.  Will be damned if their gifted hockey team goes back to Canada.  Wonders why Steve Nash won’t just lace ‘em up.

Devils, New Jersey.  Wants to remind you that ‘95 neither ruined hockey nor was half a championship.  Still can’t believe a freakin’ hockey team plays it’s games in Newark, but enjoys the Popeyes on Broad St., and considers this the local cuisine.  Would like you to the know that the Rangers suck (even when playing say, the Thrashers), and either the Flyers or Scott Gomez adeptly swallow.  Has nightmares about Lou Lamoriello foreclosing on their home.  Thinks there’s nothing wrong with parking lot parties.

Ducks, Anaheim.  Knows deep down inside that no one will ever forget the team was originally named after a movie.  Thinks Wild Wing could kick the crap out of that gorilla in Phoenix.  Not sure how to feel about daddy complex with local rival Kings, now that they’ve actually gone ahead and won a title instead of them.  Rewatches Paul Kariya’s cameo in “D3″ over and over again.

Flames, Calgary.  Likes the Atlanta Flame jerseys better.  Has likely been confused on vacation for wearing a gang-affiliated logo.  Loves all that red mile poon around playoff time.  Jarome Iginla is likely the first black man they’ve ever seen.  Refuses to grow a playoff beard, but tries to accomplish a Lanny McDonald-stache.  Can’t fathom how Terry Crisp of all people managed to coach them to a Cup.

Flyers, Philadelphia.  Hates everything about the team, including the fans.  Does everything possible to make sure playing for the Flyers is a miserable experience, and then excoriates anyone who might deign to play for a franchise and fan base that makes hockey fun.  Like the guy who is so mean to his girlfriend that he forces her to break up with him, then calls her a bitch for leaving him.

Hurricanes, Carolina.  Owns a sleveless jersey, and fully embraces the “Redneck Hockey” tag.  Wishes skates would emit toxic fumes to obtain NASCAR-high.  Knows that Buffalo probably would’ve beaten them in 2006 if not for a quarrantine-level set of injuries.  Ric Flair is a likely hero.

Islanders, New York.  Has been to at least 20 meetings about the Lighthouse Project.  Recalls fondly the Neil Smith era.  Is so ridiculously ashamed at what his team has turned into that at this point it’s lost all meaning to call the team a joke.  Mistrusts Garth Snow, but admires him for those pictures where he got those two cute girls to kiss.  Is still waiting in line at the Coliseum bathroom.   Would skip a night out with Christie Brinkley for dinner and drinks with Kevin Connolly. 

Kings, Los Angeles.  Annoyed that their version of Jack Nicholson is Demi Lovato.  Unsure why the team ever gave up the Raiders colors from the 90’s.  Was so a fan before The Great One got to town.  Loves fried duck.  Thinks Bob Miller could kick Vin Scully’s ass.  Is thankful their team isn’t named after a movie, but worried that there might actually be more Duck fans now.  Can’t find more than two guys to play street hockey with, since no one in California does that anymore.

Lightning, Tampa Bay.  Wishes Phil Esposito still ran the team.  Will beat you senseless if you call it “Tampa”.  Has, in fact, seen Stamkos.  Is not all that impressed.  Knows the team is totally not trading Vinny Lecavalier, but has conjured up about 1,000 possible return packages from each potential trade mate.  Is kind of bored of hockey now that the Rays are legit and the “Saw” guy has clearly shown that the Japanese knew what they were doing better than he does.

Maple Leafs, Toronto.  Cherishes the team’s most recent Stanley Cup win in “The Love Guru”.

Oilers, Edmonton.  Can’t believe you used to own that jersey that had a flaming piece of fecal matter for a logo.  Has an encyclopedic knowledge of the films of Janet Jones.  Thinks 2006 was a pipe dream, and Michael Peca was it’s ensuing nightmare.  Has definitely never thrown a brick at Chris Pronger’s wife.

Panthers, Florida.  Kind of wishes you’d hung onto those rats for the sentimental value.  Has submitted a catchphrase to Randy Moller, but he just hasn’t used it yet (What, quotes from “Hot Rod” aren’t in the common comedic vernacular?).  Often had acid-tinged dreams of stealing one of those freaky tree-things outside the BankAtlantic Center.  Has discovered the dangers of partying with Ed Belfour.

Penguins, Pittsburgh.  Has that one guy friend who’s printed out way too many Pensblog photoshops and placed them on his desk.  Kind of wishes some drunken photos of Evgeni Malkin would surface so they could wear their “Drink Like a Champion” shirts to the igloo.  Wonders why everyone gives Gary Bettman a harsh rep, since he seems like such a doggone nice guy.

Predators, Nashville.  Doesn’t like, love nor wants some more of whatever “it” is.  Can’t seem to find these new “local” owners on a map of the area.  Gave up season tickets so they could afford Bonnaroo passes.  Has likely gotten a ton of free tickets, but can’t seem to find any friends to head down to the arena with.  Speaking of the arena, it’s totally not called the Gaylord Entertainment Center anymore.  Promise, dad.

Rangers, New York.  Wishes they still had 1940 as a part of their personality.  Wonders why there isn’t more outrage at how Dolan runs this team into the ground.  Has tried to shoot Michal Roszival more than once.  Met Denis Potvin recently.  Seemed like an okay guy.

Red Wings, Detroit.  Likely lives in a different city now.  Thinks everone in the NHL is against a franchise with four Stanley Cups in 12 years.  Is totally okay with the number of foreigners on the team.  Speaking of Foreigner, how bout that music at The Joe?  Doesn’t own an American car.

Sabres, Buffalo.  Wonders why no one cares about your plight as a fan on the level of the Cubs and Cleveland fans.  Never bought one of the black, water buffalo jerseys.  Can do a mean Rick Jeanneret impression if properly liquored up.  Knows Pat LaFontaine is a saint.

Senators, Ottawa.  Is aware that their team only exists as a pre-emptive placation to Canadians who would soon lose two teams.  Can’t get up emotionally for any game not against the Leafs.  Is probably much less sympathetic towards Dany Heatley past nowadays.  Has yet to see Hilary Duff or Carrie Underwood at a game, but would be so polite and respectful to them if they did.

Sharks, San Jose.  Clueless as to why their blind devotion hasn’t rewarded them with a Stanley Cup faster than say, the Ducks or the Hurricanes.  Probably can take apart a computer and put it back together from scratch.  Thinks Joe Thornton just has to smile and believe in himself a teensy bit more.

Stars, Dalls.  Much like Avalanche fans, you own a North Stars jersey.  Never saw the point of that foot in the crease rule, and feels the Brett Hull goal was just ahead of it’s time.  Doesn’t understand more than 40% of what Daryl Reaugh says.   

Thrashers, Atlanta.  You’re totally waiting for that first playoff victory to get behind the team.  You know, just one.  Not even a series, just a game would be cool.  You’re aware that Kovalchuk is as good as gone in a year.  Still befuddled as to why everyone thinks you’re so stable and the Coyotes are headed for Canada every few months.

Wild, Minnesota.  You consider yourself essentially a Canadian team.  Not certain who thought it was a good idea to play the trap for the franchise’s first nine years of existence.  Life’s dream is to one day lead the Team of 18,000 in a “Let’s Play Hockey!” chant.  Still kinda bitter over the Stars leaving.  Likely more interested in college hockey than that silly team in the green jerseys.