I’m only here for the cake.

As a chick, it’s pretty much programmed into my brain to be a bridezilla. I mean, have you been the movies lately? Man, I am supposed to be materialistic, psychotic and generally uncivilized. And I am supposed to ruin my best friend’s life in the process and make my husband elect want to skip town on the day of the blessed affair. Seriously, being that much of a headache is sooooo taxing. I mean, I still have to find time for tanning, manicures and pedicures, picking out ugly dresses for the bridesmaids. What’s a girl to do? Anyway, out of boredom I google image searched “hockey wedding.” And this came up;

she does disdain well.

she does disdain well.

Ok first they need real skates. And not figure skates. And the groom needs a goalie mask I think. And where are the team colors? Blasphemy. It’s called team pride.

You’re right, it will probably be the cake topper for my fake wedding I’m planning. Fingers crossed I end up on one of the wedding reality shows. I’ll be the one shrieking about a custom 8,000 dollar gown with the Chiefs logo and throwing a hissy fit because I want to walk down the aisle to Welcome to the Jungle. Because that opening is just killer.

I’m such a hypocrite.


When I think 90s rap, I think the Habs.

Programming note; I am bumped to Mondays and Tuesdays for now. Isn’t that exciting? You can enjoy my drivel at the beginning of the week! Twice! On Wednesday, I will be posting my bracket which will be horribad and you can laugh at my picks. Though I have to say, last year I declared “Wings and Pens final, because god hates me.” I should have placed money on that match up, sheesh. Please continue to enjoy my manic and chaotic nature.


Once again, I need to someone to explain this to me. Y’all were clutch outlining Snoop Dogg in a Pens jersey for me. So here it is, the 69 Boyz rocking bleu blanc et rouge. I don’t get it.

man, I remember this being the jam when I went to Pattison's rink to rollerblade...

man, I remember this being the jam when I went to Pattison's rink to rollerblade...

Shopping with Wrap: WTF Edition.

AHWWW Hell Naw.

AHWWW Hell Naw.

So this was in my Gmail inbox today. Have you met the new merch? It’s only 31.99 and isn’t even available in every team! It’s the Rebel tshirt collection. I wondered what the Gotti boys are up to, apparently designing shit with Ed Hardy. This shirt, in the words of Cher, it’s a total Monet. From a distance it looks kind cool and up close it’s all sorts of wrong. Look at it, it’s like Dogma with explodey heads and wings. Where the fuck is Ben Affleck when you need him? Dudes this is not edgy and hip. It’s completely and utterly icky. I would file it under the category of popped collars and friggen Corona and other beer brand flip flops and things worn spring break in Cabo. No! Bad NHL! I am smacking you on the nose with a newspaper.

ain’t leavin’ til six in the morn’.

just riding on homies handle bars. for shizzle, dizzle.

Snoop, man I love you. But I have never understood this fashion choice. I mean the opening lines are “With so much drama in the LBC/it’s hard being Snoop D-O double G.” But seconds prior you are rocking a Penguins jersey. How does this work? What led to this fashion choice? Given that this is your early work and it’s wonderfully low budget I assume there was no stylist on set. And even then, Snoop doesn’t need a stylist. So clearly you picked this jersey on your own. What gives, G? But if I remember correctly you rock a Kings jersey now.



If anyone can explain the jersey to me, I will love you forever. And mail you a prize.

meditations on a fashionista.

return of the mack.

return of the mack.

Ahhhhhh. My babycakes has returned. Really I am quite giddy that Sean Avery is back in the NHL as well as with the Rangers. It sucked having The Sean Avery Show on hiatus. Please tell me his reality tv show is still in the works. It would rehab his image. Or at the very least it would provide some cheap entertainment. Top Chef and Tool Academy are like done. This season of Rock of Love has been so dull. Also in the “dull” category would be The Real World. But  I can’t stop watching. Welcome back, boo. I love the three piece suit, it’s very Roger Sterling. Clearly you have not lost you “wassup ladies?” strut. Call me….

Stick tap to my boy Archi for snagging that screengrab for me.

Luke Schenn Will Make Your Husband Gay.

nothing but man love.

nothing but man love.

I always enjoy paying attention to Google Ads. Really there is some comedy gold to be had in there. Going through my email this morning I had ads for new laptops, Cheerios, karate training and Rangers jerseys. Now, I am not entirely sure what let to Google asking me if my fake hubby is gay (yes that is a real screenshot from last week). Is it all the Kylie Minogue and Girls Aloud albums I was looking up on Amazon? I may have perhaps looked at the new David Beckham Armani spread. But like….I had to. So if that makes me gay, well I don’t plan on being straight then. Or maybe it makes me straight. I have no idea. Anyways I might have a husband who likes looking up pictures of Schenners. And really that is ok with me. He is totally like Preston Mayers in Can’t Hardly Wait and I would love to share a strawberry Pop Tart with him while Kenny the Gangster is yelling WHY YA GOTTA WASTE MY FLAVOR and Melissa Joan Heart is still trying to get everyone to sign her yearbook.

Shopping with Wrap: It’s in the Bag Edition.



Hey, you know the price for that gauuuuudy monstrosity? 324 dollars (roughly 4.32 pairs of Ugg boots from Nordstrom Rack). That is not a joke. Oh and you can buy now and not pay for 90 days! That’s an amazing idea in this economy…Those are not diamonds. They are crystal diamond posers glued to two license plates. Oh but it is lined in VELVET. You know I am totally a whore for fashion, but even then I can’t bring myself to spend more than 50 bucks on a purse. I am an amazing sale shopper.

Things that fit in this purse;

-iPhone OR jewel encrusted Sidekick 3

-prescription for Valtrex.

-overpriced lipgloss

-a mirror and one razor blade

-card for tanning minutes

-singles and a gstring

-one compact Tampax Pearl


-a spare belly ring

-Miley Cyrus perfume


-A game ticket maybe…

Other cool shit I could buy with 324 dollars.

-Uhhhhhh. Uhmmmmm. How about a REAL hockey jersey?

-I could buy a fuckton of Dunkaroos.

-Rent a bouncy castle, cotton candy machine and a dunk tank for like a 3 day carnival weekend. [Bonus, can charge neighborhood children and make money back.]

-A nameplate ring. With my Wu Tang Clan name.

-A Bose sound system?

-Snuggies. For me and all my friends.

-SlapChops. ShamWow Vince is fighting Scientology!

-Buy nearly an entire season of hockey with my boys.

-Some fly new kicks.

-A rad tiny dog I could carry in my purse even though I would never do such a thing.

-Pay Coyote Shivers to sing Sugar High. See below.

sans Zellweger. Duh.