Shopping with Wrap: WTF Edition.

AHWWW Hell Naw.

AHWWW Hell Naw.

So this was in my Gmail inbox today. Have you met the new merch? It’s only 31.99 and isn’t even available in every team! It’s the Rebel tshirt collection. I wondered what the Gotti boys are up to, apparently designing shit with Ed Hardy. This shirt, in the words of Cher, it’s a total Monet. From a distance it looks kind cool and up close it’s all sorts of wrong. Look at it, it’s like Dogma with explodey heads and wings. Where the fuck is Ben Affleck when you need him? Dudes this is not edgy and hip. It’s completely and utterly icky. I would file it under the category of popped collars and friggen Corona and other beer brand flip flops and things worn spring break in Cabo. No! Bad NHL! I am smacking you on the nose with a newspaper.

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ain’t leavin’ til six in the morn’.

just riding on homies handle bars. for shizzle, dizzle.

Snoop, man I love you. But I have never understood this fashion choice. I mean the opening lines are “With so much drama in the LBC/it’s hard being Snoop D-O double G.” But seconds prior you are rocking a Penguins jersey. How does this work? What led to this fashion choice? Given that this is your early work and it’s wonderfully low budget I assume there was no stylist on set. And even then, Snoop doesn’t need a stylist. So clearly you picked this jersey on your own. What gives, G? But if I remember correctly you rock a Kings jersey now.

Love,

Wrap

If anyone can explain the jersey to me, I will love you forever. And mail you a prize.

Luke Schenn Will Make Your Husband Gay.

nothing but man love.

nothing but man love.

I always enjoy paying attention to Google Ads. Really there is some comedy gold to be had in there. Going through my email this morning I had ads for new laptops, Cheerios, karate training and Rangers jerseys. Now, I am not entirely sure what let to Google asking me if my fake hubby is gay (yes that is a real screenshot from last week). Is it all the Kylie Minogue and Girls Aloud albums I was looking up on Amazon? I may have perhaps looked at the new David Beckham Armani spread. But like….I had to. So if that makes me gay, well I don’t plan on being straight then. Or maybe it makes me straight. I have no idea. Anyways I might have a husband who likes looking up pictures of Schenners. And really that is ok with me. He is totally like Preston Mayers in Can’t Hardly Wait and I would love to share a strawberry Pop Tart with him while Kenny the Gangster is yelling WHY YA GOTTA WASTE MY FLAVOR and Melissa Joan Heart is still trying to get everyone to sign her yearbook.

Shopping with Wrap: It’s in the Bag Edition.

chavtastic.

chavtastic.

Hey, you know the price for that gauuuuudy monstrosity? 324 dollars (roughly 4.32 pairs of Ugg boots from Nordstrom Rack). That is not a joke. Oh and you can buy now and not pay for 90 days! That’s an amazing idea in this economy…Those are not diamonds. They are crystal diamond posers glued to two license plates. Oh but it is lined in VELVET. You know I am totally a whore for fashion, but even then I can’t bring myself to spend more than 50 bucks on a purse. I am an amazing sale shopper.

Things that fit in this purse;

-iPhone OR jewel encrusted Sidekick 3

-prescription for Valtrex.

-overpriced lipgloss

-a mirror and one razor blade

-card for tanning minutes

-singles and a gstring

-one compact Tampax Pearl

-condoms

-a spare belly ring

-Miley Cyrus perfume

ASHTON’S COOLPIX!

-A game ticket maybe…

Other cool shit I could buy with 324 dollars.

-Uhhhhhh. Uhmmmmm. How about a REAL hockey jersey?

-I could buy a fuckton of Dunkaroos.

-Rent a bouncy castle, cotton candy machine and a dunk tank for like a 3 day carnival weekend. [Bonus, can charge neighborhood children and make money back.]

-A nameplate ring. With my Wu Tang Clan name.

-A Bose sound system?

-Snuggies. For me and all my friends.

-SlapChops. ShamWow Vince is fighting Scientology!

-Buy nearly an entire season of hockey with my boys.

-Some fly new kicks.

-A rad tiny dog I could carry in my purse even though I would never do such a thing.

-Pay Coyote Shivers to sing Sugar High. See below.

sans Zellweger. Duh.

Opening Remarks and a Fashion Critique;

Greetings and salutations. I am Wrap Around Curl. Some of you may be familiar with my work where I go on about my team in the WHL, the Spokane Chiefs. They uhm had a bit of an incident with the Memorial Cup last year and they have a goalie whom I am quite fond of.  But enough about them. I am your Girl Saturday here. Which just might mean a bit of silly girl fun, be cool my babies.

Anyways onward! Shopping with Wrap, the Going Green Edition.

I have always been critical of the NHL merch. I am a firm believer in team color, non-sissy merch. I was quite confused to get an email from the NHL Shop declaring the arrival of the St Patricks Day merch. Which my brain cannot comprehend. At all. Can someone eplain it to me? In the meanwhile let’s just look at how wrong it all is.

your team! in small print. on your rack.

your team! in small print. on your rack.

Wow. It’s all flowery. They didn’t want to spring for sparkles? Girls LOVE sparkles. It’s like a scientific fact. We also LOVE pink. And PONIES! And MUFFINS! So Happy Drunko Day! In a goth font that doesn’t appear centered, thus making your chest look crooked when you wear it. What the hell is with like the Paris Hilton pose angle of the invisible mannequin? Is that to prepare you for walking sidways after too many Irish Carbombs? Whatever. I don’t even remember the price for this shirt.

comes pre-wrecked.

comes pre-wrecked.

Ok so in terms of fashion I sorta “get” the distressed look. However, a distressed screen design does not work on an item of clothing that is brand new. It just doesn’t. But I better not encourage them to pre-wreck and distress a shirt because that is how 200 dollar jeans happen. And the NHL merch is overpriced to begin with. For some reason I think the shirt is missing white paint splats.Price: 36 bucks.

you stop it.

you stop it.

Seriously. Just quit. It’s uggo. And I will not take a dude seriously wearing this. Why? Because he is probably plastered at the game. And asking my about the jersey I am wearing. Well he thinks that’s what he is asking but all I hear is “HEY WADDAYAWEARINNNNNAND…..OH DUDE DUDE! DUDE! BEER ME! OH YEAH I AM PISSING GREEN FOR THE NEXT WEEK.” Not cute. At all. Honestly, this looks like those fake team vintage retro hoodie whatevers they sell at Target that go on clearance for $7.43. NHL price: 39.99

I didn’t even go over all the NHL Merch. It makes me that stabby.