The one where Sean Avery is on late night television;

Because I am on the west coast I had to wait for the Sean Avery on Jimmy Fallon action. I never thought I would use the words “waiting” and “Jimmy Fallon” that close together in a sentence. Here is Aves;

First, Jimmy Fallon needs to stop giving me reasons to watch him. I mean I watched John Krasinski play the Project Natal and I had a nerd freak out. Then Jimmy played beer pong with Betty White. I mean, he needs to stop it because it’s conflicting with Craig Ferguson and his epic opening monologues. Plus Ferguson has that uber charming Scottish brogue, goofy grin and singing puppets. It doesn’t take much to make me happy.

Avery came out sporting long hair, for him. And a leather Members Only jacket, shirt with a few buttons undone and I THINK he was rocking some JNCO jeans. I know the whole 90s revival is back but that is no excuse for those pants. I was disappointed. He know how to buy the right kind of pants. Ahem. Oh and his shoes had a slight heel. Fallon still looked like a giant next to him. The thing about Aves is yes he is interesting, but he is dull talking. I was distracted by the fact his forehead doesn’t move and he doesn’t seem to show his teeth when he talks. Things like that bug me. Who does he think he is, Victoria Beckham? SEAN IS YOUR FOREHEAD BOTOXED?

Sean talked about going to Bonaroo and hanging with a bunch of hippies. And I’d pay big money to see how he roughs it for a weekend outdoor music festival. He said he was in a tent for some of it and in a bus. Regardless, I want to know how many facial creams he packed. HOW MUCH CREME DE LA MER SEAN?

He talked about his charity which I wanted to high five him for. Since one it involves fashion and two it’s more than just him writing a check. It requires active participation and the charity helps people in transition from prision to rejoining society and making sure they have the proper attire. Nice job, kitten.

Oh and we were all reassured that the new re-programming is still in effect and working wonderfully etc and lessons were learned. Blah blah blah. Boring.

I am now watching the DVR replay of Ferguson and he is imitating a gay, German penguin. He’s wonderful.

Then there was a dorky segment where Jimmy and Sean had to try and hit targets and Jimmy didn’t even know what stick was right handed. But Jimmy lost and Sean won so Jimmy is donating a suit to charity.

But Sean Avery even when subdued is more entertaining and interesting than most all other athletes. But I want to see a different Sean. I want to see the one I’ve read about on Gawker and Page Six. So what we need to do is get him good and liquored up. What do you think he drinks? Patron? He drinks whatever the cocktail waitress in the low cut dress brings him. Then ask him some other questions; like Cutherbert and Phaneuf, really?! What’s Anna Wintour really like? Did you have any Devil Wears Prada moments? Are you the semi gay best friend and do you exploit this position? Are you going to take Karl Lagerfeld’s place when he dies and carry a fan and wear leather pants at all times?

Ok and real talk time girlies; it’s time to fess up. Come forward and admit Sean is one of your secret hockey boyfriends. It’s ok, there is no judging going on here.

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